


a secret (love) language

by hippopotamus



Series: water, sunlight, love [3]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21794992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hippopotamus/pseuds/hippopotamus
Summary: It’s a secret language, Isak thinks. A secret language that he has, that Even somehow understands.Not always - not flawlessly, but enough. Enough to know that Isak, in his own language, can sayhey, I'm still learning to trust,and Even will understand.future snippets for just add water, no i am not accepting criticism at this time
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Series: water, sunlight, love [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1557190
Comments: 88
Kudos: 613





	1. 01/01/2020

**Author's Note:**

> future scenes, future scenes, please give my life purpose againnnnnnn  
> as always, i blame this on other people, and not myself for writing it  
> enjoy tho!!!

The first snow of the year in the first year Isak is with Even is at midnight on january the first. 

They - and all their friends - are at kollektivet, everyone shouting around them and at them and counting down - and Even's lips are pressed to Isak's before he can protest that the new year's kiss tradition thing is bullshit, and he wants no part in it. 

He'd be lying, of course. He'd never say no to kissing Even. It's just that he has a reputation to uphold. 

Somehow, they separate - after a while, and Isak glances out of the window beside them. to avoid catching Even's eye and glimpsing his smug look. Still, Even moves forward to kiss the edge of Isak's jaw and to murmur into his ear. "Start as you mean to go on, baby." 

Isak rolls his eyes with an unfightable smile, and focuses his attention on the orange glow from the streetlamp outside, illuminating the white flakes of snow drifting down. 

He can't see the ground, but he knows what it'll look like - it's already snowed this winter, and he's walked home from the bar countless times in unsullied blankets of it. He's slipped over a few times, fingers numb even through his gloves, and then made it home to bed - sometimes made it home to Even's bed, and cuddled up close to him to get some of the warmth from his half asleep body. 

Still, something about it never grows old - walking out in fresh snow. Making the first footprints. 

The first footprints in the first snow. The same way he had last year - though in that time, so much has changed. He looks down at the ground far less than he used to but he still sees how he changes it, how his feet disturb the perfect snow. How he’s transfixed by it.

He nudges Even away from where he's nuzzling into Isak's neck - reluctantly, he pulls back to quirk an eyebrow, and Isak laughs softly. 

"We have to go outside before anyone else does." 

Even glances around the room at everyone wrapped up in their own lives, kissing, drinking, singing - some calm, most not. "Who else would go out?" 

Isak shrugs. "I don't know, but - someone from somewhere else might go out too. But - the snow." he shrugs again as he says it, self conscious now. "I don't know. It's just - the first snow of the year." 

A smile, warm and excited, spreads across Even's face then. 

"You want to be the first out in it?" 

Isak's been working on letting himself want things. "Mhm," he agrees, not quite meeting Even's eyes - but closer to it than he's been before. 

"Okay."

Even pulls him along by the hand as if this was his idea, as if he's as excited by this as he was by christmas presents (Isak watched the childlike wonder in his eyes when they were at Even's parents' house, and thought  _ yeah, this is it. This is him.)  _

They race down the stairs, right to the front door, and then Even stops dead, Isak almost barrelling into him. He opens the door slowly, and they both stand there, in the doorway, watching the orange-white world outside as the snow builds and Isak's wonder matches Even's. 

"Go on then," Even says gently. "Your idea. You go out first."

Isak smiles, and sticks only his foot out, pressing down in the snow. 

"First footprint," he says quietly. 

Even's warm lips press to his cold cheek without speaking. Giving Isak a space to expand on his words. 

"It just feels kind of significant. Is that weird?" 

Even shakes his head. "It makes sense. Can I make one? Do I get a wish for it?" 

"I mean, it's new year, you can wish on anything."

"Okay," Even grins, and puts his foot down next to where Isak's had been, so that, were it not for the difference in the patterns on the soles of their shoes, it could be just one person, standing alone in the snow.

"What did you wish for?" Isak asks, leaning into Even, his head settling where it always does, on his shoulder, but tilted up to see him. 

"I can't tell you, or it won't come true." 

Isak huffs out a laugh. "Okay. Do you know what I'd wish for?"

"It won't come true," Even warns. 

"It doesn't have to, though, because I didn't actually need to wish it," Isak replies, smiling in spite of himself. "But if I  _ did  _ wish - I'd just wish for everything to stay as it is right now. With you."

Even pauses, smiles soft and sweet and loving at Isak, then teases. "When did you get so sappy?"

Isak hums, curling into Even's shoulder, mouth almost to his neck. 

"Sometime around my birthday, I think." 

"Mm, I wonder whose fault that is," Even murmurs, his fingers under Isak's chin, lifting him up so that he can lean in properly. 

"No idea," replies Isak, before he lets Even close the distance and kiss him. 

He's so fucking glad he's not out in the snow alone. 


	2. 02/09/19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiiiiiiiiii i have nothing to say for myself  
> big thank u to bri for being the encouragement that i needed to just post already :D  
> enjoyyyyyy, lil warning for this-verse-typical brain stuffs

"I think I wanted to die earlier this year." 

It takes a lot for Isak to say it - it's 3AM, and it's the fourth time he's stayed at Even's house. And by a lot it's, well, just that he's tired. And it's that kind of night where he has Even here beside him and he feels like he's got someone else's life by accident. 

He's cross-legged, sitting on the pillow, Greta curled up in his lap - he needed her as makeshift comfort, because he couldn't sleep. 

Until a few minutes ago, though, Even could, and he had been, until something - probably Isak, though he doesn’t remember moving - woke him. And now Even wants him to say what he's thinking about, what was keeping him awake. Get it all out, so that maybe Even can help. 

This was the first thing on his mind. 

Even doesn't say anything when Isak admits it, but the gentle patient smile fades from his face, and Isak knows he's fucked up. He knows, he knows so well that Even thinks about this stuff - on loop sometimes, the same way Isak thinks about his own panic. They’ve talked about it somewhat, mostly back on that night in the cabin, but it’s - they’ve skirted around the topic once or twice since then, too. Isak should have realised that it’s bigger than he’s making it out to be. The stuff in his own head - that’s - it’s probably nothing.

"Sorry," he says, deflating somewhat. "I don't - I shouldn't have - I probably didn't. Like - it wasn't that bad, it's not like I -" 

"Isak." 

It's just his name. His name and a hand on his arm, a gentle caress, up and down, soothing and calming and Isak doesn't know what to say now - Even is telling him to stop spiralling, and stop downplaying his feelings but - now he doesn't know where to go.

He hides in Even's neck, and breathes, inhaling his smell like it's smoke, nicotine calming him down. 

He can start again. Telling Even what he's thinking about, and how he’s thinking about it without second guessing the magnitude of it. Or - well, it was more that he was telling Greta, and Even was listening, but. Since he's shifted to move towards Even she's woken up with a soft chirp, and now she's standing and then stretching and - she's gone. The only living being here to tell is Even. 

He compromises. Tells Even's shoulder. His safe place.

"I didn't - um - I guess I didn't realise it properly before now. Or like - admit it to myself, at least. 'Cause it's fucked up, and I wasn't," he lets out a humourless laugh at himself, and squeezes his eyes tight shut in case something gets out. 

Even's hand finds his hair and runs through the strands. 

"You're getting better," he murmurs. "You're doing okay." 

Isak sighs. "Yeah, but - I - just now, I thought about it again. And I wouldn't, I promise, I wouldn't, but," he sighs again, and Even's arms tighten around him. "I just thought about it, and then when I started thinking about it I couldn't stop." 

He swallows down the fear in his throat, and continues. "Do you ever - get that?" 

Even exhales with a nod. "Yeah."

It's quiet for a moment. Isak was kind of hoping Even would tell him how to make it stop, but he can feel how tense his arms are around him, how he wants to comfort but this is further than he can bear to talk about yet. 

"I guess I just feel out of control," Isak says. He's been learning that about himself recently, too, though he thinks deep down he might have known it all along - but now it's out loud, talked about in depth, once a week. It's a lot, but it makes sense. And he's working on it.

He's just not there, yet. 

Even holds on tighter still - a prelude to letting go, Isak thinks. 

"You need to go home?" 

There's no intent behind it - there never is with Even, though sometimes it would be easier if there was, because - does he? Need to go home? 

Is it control he needs right now, or is it comfort? Or just sleep? 

He shrugs. 

"I like it here," he says, unsure whether that qualifies as a decision. 

"You can always come back," Even replies with a smile, sensing before Isak does that there’s a  _ but  _ that wants to escape too. 

"I don't want to be alone, though." There’s always more  _ buts -  _ too many to think about. He could go, but he’d miss this comfort. He could stay, but he’d feel out of control.

After a pause, Even's voice is quieter. "Me neither." 

Isak holds on tight to him to stop Even's arms falling away. "Sorry. I didn't mean to -" 

Even shakes his head before Isak finishes. "It's not your fault. I'm just - I didn't realise you ever -" he breathes, out, in, and his body relaxes. “I didn’t realise it ever got that bad for you.”

Isak lets out a breath that turns into a half laugh. “Neither did I.”

He feels Even bury his nose into his hair, and breathe in. Before this - them - Isak never would have considered that the way he feels about how Even smells could ever be reversed, that Even could think that Isak smells like - how did he put it? Like - _warmth, and safety, and - and just - good things._ _Mostly like comfort. Like home._

Isak doesn’t have the ability or the courage to express things like Even does, but he’d use those words too, about Even. Use those words to explain why he’s always so glad when Even leaves his hoodie at Isak’s - so often that it seems deliberate, and it probably is - because Even knows by now how much Isak likes to be able to breathe him in even when he’s not there.

Even is less subtle about needing to be surrounded by Isak’s scent. He steals Isak’s clothes without hesitation, insists that he needs them when Isak watches him at his apartment, picking up Isak’s hoodie and complaining that he’s cold in the middle of summer. (Isak, obviously, lets him. Because when Even eventually gives the hoodies back -  _ if _ he gives them back - they always find their way back to Isak’s possession smelling of Even, and, well, that’s just what he needs.)

Isak would never have been able to think of himself as a comfort to someone else, before he met Even. 

And now he is - and Even is his comfort, and talking about this heavy stuff - it’s hard, but - it’s easier with Even, his comfort and his safe place.

He breathes in, while Even does the same. Both, just - breathing. Isak’s stuck for what to say now, Even must be too, because he’d never usually stay this quiet.

Isak takes one final breath in, and finds what he needs to say.

“I think I should-”

“We should go for a walk,” Even interrupts - as if he knew that that was what Isak was going to say. As if he knew that Isak would have expressed it as  _ I _ should go - because he still doesn’t want to drag Even out of his way, still finds it repulsive to be anything close to an inconvenience, to want things that don’t align with other people’s desires.

“We?” Isak asks, hope lacing his voice but in the most careful way he can manage - because it’s late, he could have misheard, Even could have misspoken.

“You think I’m letting you go by yourself?”

There’s subtext to it - there’s  _ at this time?  _ and  _ when you’re thinking about that sort of thing? _ and  _ I love you, you asshole, I’m not letting you be alone. _

Isak replies to that even though it wasn’t out loud.

“I fucking love you,” he says, lifting his head and resting his forehead against Even’s, a tired smile spreading across his face.

Even smiles back at him, warm and soothing. "I fucking love you too." 


	3. 26/07/19-15/08/19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bitches be thirsty for love and validation (im bitches)

It’s a secret language, Isak thinks. A secret language that he has, that Even somehow understands. 

Not always - not flawlessly, but enough. Enough to know that Isak, in his own language, can say  _ hey, I'm still learning to trust,  _ and Even will understand. 

When they're leaning against each other, and Even's falling asleep in front of the movie they're watching (because it's not one of his pretentious ones) and it comes to the end and Isak knows this is the part where he's too tired to leave, and Even tells him  _ stay, _ and. 

He wants to, but he's still learning everything about this - relearning, really, because he knew it at one point. He knew how to feel safe, and how to stay with someone, how to fall asleep in someone's arms. 

And he's so close to getting that with Even. He wants it so badly, to wake up next to him, to see him as he opens his eyes. 

But it's been a month, and Isak still leaves at night. Even still leaves, too, because Isak doesn't know how to tell him  _ stay. _

_ Taking it slowly, _ Even says.  _ Making sure we're doing this right _ \- but it's not that. It's Isak being - being his blind panic self, knowing that if he stays the night, he could ruin it all with his frustration, with being unable to contain it. 

Of course he knows this month wasn't long enough to fix everything, but he's tired of it. He wakes up to a good morning text, or he falls asleep to soft words on the phone, or he thinks of him in the quiet midnight silence, knowing that Even would let him run into his arms right now, and stay for the rest of the night but it's this inescapable dread that he'll feel trapped and he'll lash out and he'll hurt Even. 

And if he hurt Even, he doesn't know what he'd do. To himself. 

"I want a holiday from my brain," he mutters into Even's shoulder, because that's where he confesses things. 

Even laughs softly, and brings his hand up to Isak's hair. 

"Tell me what you're thinking," Even says, as simple as that. 

Isak deflects in the first sentence; he always does. "A beach holiday," he says, and Even wraps his fingers around a curl and pulls - teasing, nowhere near enough to hurt.

"Don't be a dick," he smiles. "Come on. I want to know." 

Isak sighs out his confidence in lying and inhales the air around Even - the calm that comes from him. 

"Just - I want to wake up with you tomorrow, but I still - I - still - can't," he sighs again, more frustrated this time. Already, fucking frustrated. "I think I should go." 

Even brushes his fingers through Isak's hair, but doesn't let him go yet. 

"I love you," Even says, honest and sincere like it's the first time, like it's something he's never told Isak before - he makes Isak feel like it is, warmth spreading out from his chest right out to his fingers and down to the soles of his feet. 

In reality, Isak's lost track of how many times he's said it - and how many times Isak has said it back, watching the look on Even’s face, the way Isak can make him melt with something as simple as those words. 

But it doesn't get old. Isak still doesn't breathe when he hears it. 

And then - seconds later, he can't ever help but think  _ are you sure? Me?  _

But he meets Even’s eyes, and says it right back, because his doubts don't make his feelings any less real. He doesn't let them. 

He almost manages to relax back into Even, too, but he still needs to - 

“It’s okay,” Even tells him - understanding the secret language of Isak’s panic. “Not spending the night with you doesn’t make me love you any less.”

Isak hums his doubtfulness, his fingers starting to drum restlessly against his leg.

“Really,” Even says. “I want what you want, but it’s okay if it takes time. We have plenty of it.”

Isak exhales. “Yeah. I always miss you when I leave, though.”

He might as well have said  _ I love you, _ again - it gets him the same reaction, Even leaning into Isak, collapsing into soft laughter like he’s lost the ability to stay upright. Isak brings his arms up to hold Even, but ends up falling backwards with him into the arm of the sofa.

“You act like you’re surprised by this,” Isak grumbles jokingly. “Aren’t I meant to miss you?”

“Yeah. I just like it when you say it.”

Isak rolls his eyes, smiling nonetheless. “I guess I’ll say it more often, then.”

Even sighs happily, his chest pressed against Isak’s, lips pressing into Isak’s cheek before he relaxes enough to just lie with him for a few minutes,

“Ring me? When you’re home?” Even asks quietly, as if it’s something Isak doesn’t do several nights a week already. “We can still fall asleep together.”

“Yeah, of course.”

*

“Don’t you think if I’d just have let you stay that first night, we wouldn’t be having this problem? Like, I wouldn't have time to overthink it so much, and we'd just be able to - to…"

He tails off, leaning his head back down onto Even's bare chest, and sighs as Even's hand finds his hair again. Even doesn't move, doesn't immediately speak, but Isak can tell he's smiling, fond and frustrated, all for Isak. 

"It's not a problem, baby,” he replies, slow and sincere. “You act as though our whole relationship will fail because of this one thing, but I promise you I've been in love with you way too long for that to happen." 

Isak’s breath catches. For a moment, he’s overwhelmed, too much to speak. "I'm sorry," he says eventually. "I just, this is where I'm meant to stay the night."

"Says who?" 

"Says - everyone. If I leave it's just - sad."

Even runs his fingers through Isak's hair one last time, and then moves his arm round his shoulders to squeeze tight. 

"I'll still be here tomorrow," he says. "And honestly, I don't care about what  _ should _ happen, I care about what makes you the most comfortable.” He pauses, breathes, and continues. “And I'm - I'm so excited for that to be you staying the night and waking up with me, but - we have plenty of time for that." 

Isak hesitates a moment, then relaxes into a happy sigh against Even's chest. "Thank you. Love you." 

"I love you too." 

*

A few nights later, Isak doesn't sleep again, insomnia rearing its ugly head out of nowhere, and the only reason his sleep deprived brain can come up with is that he wants to be with Even. He wants to sleep next to him. 

Half of his brain is rational, knowing that it's close to 4AM, and Even will be long asleep - he'll have to wake up again in four hours anyway. The other half is irrational as a toddler having a temper tantrum. He needs Even  _ now _ , his voice, his presence, his touch. He needs him, he needs him, now now  _ now. _

The compromise is a text. Very nearly a phone call, but he pulls back. 

**Isak (3:46):** _ are you awake?  _

He hesitates, and pulls back again from saying more,  _ I miss you I love you I need to be next to you and I need you to hold me or maybe I need to hold you. Something. I need something, but I need it from you.  _

He taps his fingers, rolls over in bed, puts his phone face down, and then it buzzes. 

**Even (3:48):** _ I'm here _

_ What's going on _

**Isak (3:49):** _ i cant sleep _

_ can i come over _

_ wait sorry that was stupid  _

_ ill be okay  _

_ i just miss you but ill see you tomorrow right?  _

**Even (3:50):** _ Come over _

_I miss you_ _too_

He barely bothers to get dressed, just pulls on sweatpants and a hoodie - Even's hoodie - over the boxers and t-shirt he was already wearing - then presses down to call Even. 

"Hey, baby," his voice is sleep-rough and calm - calming, and Isak sighs out half of his fears just hearing it. "You okay?" 

"Yeah, yep. Mhm," Isak replies, catching up to how frantic his brain is, how fast his heart rate is, how much he needed the calm from Even. "Just - can't sleep. I - did I wake you?" 

Even hums. "You know there's that folk tale that if you can't sleep it's because you're awake in someone else's dream?" 

"You - you were dreaming about me?" 

"Always," Even replies, then moves on as if he hasn't just swept Isak's feet out from under him. "You coming over?" 

"I - can I?" 

"Of course," Even says. "I miss you." 

"I miss you too," Isak exhales. "I'll be there in fifteen." 

*

He barely looks at Even when he opens the door, just moves forward into his space and buries himself in him immediately, breathing him in, breathing deep for the first time all night. 

"Hi," he says quietly. "I'm sorry I woke you." 

"I don't mind," Even says. "I never mind." 

"But - what about -" 

"I'll tell you if I need you to worry," Even says, quick, but reassuring. 

"I don't need your permission to worry about you," Isak says - he's said it before, they've talked about this before. "But - okay. I mean, I - I'm so fucking tired - can we - uh -" 

Even is patient, waits for him to continue with his hand running up and down Isak's spine, fingertips tracing it gently. 

"Can we just go to bed?" Isak forces the words out and squeezes his eyes shut immediately after, not sure what he's bracing himself for - ridicule, perhaps. Disbelief, or distrust, or skepticism.  _ There's a reason you don't stay, Isak. You'll panic. You'll lash out.  _

But right now he feels so tired that even if he wanted to, he wouldn't have the energy. And he - he trusts Even, enough to say that if he got frustrated, he'd feel Even with him, and he'd know - he'd know he doesn't have to panic. 

"Of course," Even says anyway, without questioning him - a little breathless, exhaling excitement with his words. "Yeah, of course."

Isak's been to his room enough times to know which is Even's side of the bed, and to be confident enough that they can lie together comfortably - it's just that this time, when he climbs in, he knows he can also sleep. He can be next to Even, and when his heart slows, he can relax. 

His head finds its way onto Even - between his chest and his shoulder - with ease. his arm falls over Even, Even's arm wraps around him, and they breathe. They just breathe. 

Isaks eyes start to close. 

"Thank you for being patient with me," he murmurs, but doesn't hear Even's response because sleep has already pulled him under. 

*

As he wakes slowly from a deep sleep, his body tenses for a second - just a second, and then he remembers. He's shifted in the night, or perhaps Even has, and now Isak's head is on the pillow, he's lying on his stomach and he's facing Even, opening his eyes to see that Even's are already on him. 

"Morning, baby," he smiles. "How are you feeling?"

Isak lets a slow smile spread across his own face to mirror Even's. "Good," he replies. "I like seeing you."

"You sleep okay?" 

"Mhm." Isak moves closer, touches his nose to Even's, then rolls away quickly. "I should've brought a toothbrush, though." 

Even laughs. "I think I have a spare one that you can borrow." He grins. "All this time I thought you were worrying about feeling trapped but you were just worried about morning breath." 

"Fuck off," Isak says, burying his face in the pillow. 

"No, never," Even says, crowding into Isak's space, his arm coming over to Isak's shoulder, and his face pressing into Isak's neck. "You're stuck with me." 

Isak groans dramatically, nowhere near meaning it. "I hate you," he lies. 

"And I love you," Even sings, nuzzling closer into Isak, wriggling his hands underneath him so that he can hold tight to Isak. 

"You'll grow out of it." 

"Oh, will I?" Even presses kisses to his neck, too many for Isak to count or keep track of, just enough for him to know that if Even never stopped, he'd be okay with it. 

He does, unfortunately, stop. Pulls back and sits up, moving off from Isak so that the only place they're still touching is Even's hand on Isak's back, just above his waist, where the duvet has slipped down to. 

"Come on, then," Even smiles, calm again, overwhelmingly happy sounding. "Let's get some breakfast." 

Isak doesn't follow him at first, just rolls back enough that he can see Even standing, and leaving the room, glancing back to flash him a grin. 

He will follow, of course. He won't leave, won't sneak out from Even's home, won't run back to his hiding place, because he - he doesn't feel out of control, here, now. He feels safe with Even and comfortable in this bed and happy, so fucking happy. 

And he stayed, he slept, he trusted. 

It worked out so fucking well.

He got here. 

**Author's Note:**

> yo yo yo thank u for reading!!! would love to know what u think!!!  
> tumblr is [here!](http://evenshands.tumblr.com)  
> love always xxx


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